We recently reached out to one of our wonderful surrogates, Hannah, to see how she was doing after her recent birth. This adorable little boy is now at home with his Intended Father’s in Italy. What she wrote back to us was a beautiful meditation on family, surrogacy, and love.
I have written and deleted versions of this story a few times now. It’s not an easy thing to put into words because the essence of surrogacy is emotion, but I want to try to show you why I did it.
If you’re a parent then you will understand what children bring into your life; you will understand that despite the sacrifices you’ve made, or how tired you are, or the stresses and frustrations that arise as they get older – no matter what happens the love you feel for them is both your greatest fulfillment and an unconditional compulsion.
They change who you are. You do things you never thought you could or would do. They challenge your perspectives and show you your flaws. They love you and they hurt you. They make you proud even if they do nothing. All you want is their happiness, and for them to not be jerks. When they came into the world, your parents became grandparents; aunts, uncles, and cousins were all made by their existence. Their life changes the world around them. It changes you.
If you are someone who had difficulty starting your family, then you understand even more. Maybe you went through months or years of anguish, of high hopes, despair, of losses, of seeing doctors and trying everything. Maybe you had a baby, maybe you are still trying. Maybe you found your family in another way.
Maybe you are a gay couple and maybe you have sacrificed everything for years, challenging culture and laws to share your love with each other and with your child. I won’t get into what people think of this, but I will say that God is love and where there is love, there can be no wrong.
Perhaps you are a woman who has felt the movement of a baby inside her. For you, this might be the hardest to understand – not the desire to have children, but the desire to be a surrogate. You are right to think it is hard. It’s the hardest thing I have ever done, and the most rewarding. I love that baby and that love hasn’t diminished by him being with his family. It’s quite the opposite: the love has extended to his parents, his grandparents, his uncle – family members created by his existence. We share a mutual love for him.
My children and my spouse are also a part of this. They watched my stomach expand; they felt his kicks. They spoke to him, sang to him, kissed him and tried to tickle him in utero. They sacrificed time with me, outings, and social activities. They rode the waves of my moodiness. My spouse worked extra hours and still did all the errands. He ran out to the store late at night because I wanted something.
None of them regret it or are resentful or bitter – because of love. We were all changed by his birth.
Nothing is ever lost where love is gained.
Hannah is the mother of two children , ages 7 and 13, and this is her first surrogacy experience with Canadian Fertility Consulting. She is a crochet designer and aspiring writer. Thank you, Hannah, for sharing your beautiful words, and to the Intended Couple for graciously opening up their family to the CFC community. All photos are courtesy of Tru Love Photography by Kayla Zuidersma